What am I thinking?

Today I'm not having a particularly bad day, it's actually pretty good. The boys got up great this morning and got dressed without any meltdowns or fights. Tavi made him and Jaiden breakfast and then made himself slop lunch for school. It's what he wanted so I let him do it even though the ketchup and mustard was squishing out the sides of his sandwich. I even let Jaiden pick out his own clothes, brush his teeth, comb his hair, and wash his face on his own. (Frances, T, I hope you're not laughing at him.) I was running late as usual so this morning it was anything goes.

Since I didn't have to do it all, it left me a lot of time to ponder some things. It's nothing as profound as Rita's bug stories (which I love by the way because I hate them too) but it makes me think. I wonder about life and happiness. Is life really supposed to be hard? Are you ever truly happy or is it an illusion put on by other people so you think you're lacking something? Does anything ever get easier? All of these are questions that I wish I had the answer to.

Is it wrong to want and wish for something that you don't have? Even if it's at the expense of another? I don't want to be a complete bitch to anyone, but I have hopes, dreams, wishes, goals, and aspirations too. Should I just settle for what I have and be content? After all, is what I have really that bad? I'm alive, I have two healthy kids, I have a job that treats me well even though it doesn't pay that much, I own my car, we bought a house, I have two college degrees, and I do happen to be married. Shouldn't that be enough? Why isn't that enough for me? I want more. Sometimes after the kids go to bed I sit outside and look at the stars and wish that I was on the airplane that I see flying into the night sky. I don't care where it's going, I just want to be on it.

I'm tired of Boonville...hell, I'm tired of Missouri period. I want out but I don't know where to go. I have to find a job and go somewhere that is okay for raising two boys. I want need a fresh start somewhere with a chance at finding happiness. Maybe one day I will find it...unless it's all a charade.