Wax on...wax off....;)

As women, we often put ourselves through the torture of plucking/waxing/tweezing/shaving our eye brows, upper lips, arms, legs, or our unmentionables. We curl our eyelashes with those torture gadgets and obsess over which eye shadow goes with which lipstick. Why do we do this? Hell if I know for sure, but I guess it's to attract the opposite species...men. We want men to fall victim head over heels for our beauty. I'm really not quite sure why we try so hard. Sometimes I almost think the Praying Mantis has it right. They get their mates to fall for them, then after they have thoroughly used them, they eat them. Not that I would ever eat another person (ewwwwww), it would sometimes be nice to just be able to use them then never hear from them again. :p

Sorry, I got off topic a little bit. I was talking about grooming. We were at Wal-Mart the other day grocery shopping and getting other things we need. On a side note, I'm very excited for our new Super Wal-Mart because I don't have to drive 30 miles to one to go shopping anymore! Anyway, I saw a box of wax strips and thought that maybe I should try those. I'm tired of paying someone $12 bucks to wax my eye brows when they don't do that great of a job anyway. And I could wax wherever else I wanted to. This could be gross because I have to let my hair get 1/4 inch long so I can't wear any tank tops for a little while. I was excited when I got home and wanted to try it out...so I had the idea to try it on Eugene.

After about an hour of him listening to me beg to torture him try it in a small spot he finally relented and told me I could do a little spot on his leg. So I warmed the double sided wax strip in my hands like I'm supposed to. The whole time he's looking at me with his eye brows raised asking me what I'm doing. I just said "Don't worry" with a smirk on my face. I rubbed the wax strip on his leg then looked at him and said "it will only hurt for a minute". As he started to protest, I ripped the wax strip off and listened to him scream at the top of his lungs. This got me laughing and I stuck the strip back on another part of his leg and riiiiiiiiip, he yelled again this time yelling "BIIIIITTTCH" at the top of his lungs. I kept giggling and he kept yelling profanities every time I pulled the wax off over and over and over again.

I thought it was the funniest thing. I FINALLY got revenge on the male species! Next time I will have to record the torture!

Boys, Boys, Boys

After living with my husband for 10 1/2 years and having two boys of my own, I have definitely come to the conclusion that men boys are a completely different species than woman. Women use their brains to think logically and make sense...for the most part. As women, we are expected to do it all. We are Wonder W omen! We have to cook, clean, and do laundry. We have to wipe runny noses and quiet coughs...not just the dads, we have to do the kids too. As mothers, we are the finders of lost socks and rubber lizards (almost, Lizzy is still missing) and we are the healers of ouchies with just one kiss. Some of us work outside of the home and some of us inside the home. Whether we are stay-at-home moms or work-outside-of-home moms, we are expected to take care of our husbands/significant others, our children (whether two legs or four), and some how fit ourselves in there to be taken care of (which doesn't always happen).

Men Boys, what do boys do? Boys sit around watching TV, playing video games, eating, farting, and scratching all day long. They only bother to get dressed and be presentable when they are going to work or I make them; but the minute they step inside the house, off goes the clothes and all civility with them. Their obsession with Mr. Winkie and all of their bodily functions really dumbfounds me. Boys think it's funny to see who can belch/fart the loudest or longest. They think it's fun to have peeing contests to see who finishes first. And if they are really lazy, they will pee in a bottle to avoid having to get up. You can't tell me that the boys in my house are the only ones who have done this. I don't condone it and if I'm around, it doesn't happen. They get their butts swatted all the way to the bathroom.

One question I have though, why do men boys always have their hand on their crotch? I don't understand it. I've asked and I get the same answer...a shrug of the shoulder. That natural propensity has led to many questions. Thankfully, I have gone through one sons questions growing up about Mr. Winkie and was able to dodge some bullets there. I don't lie to him, but I don't exactly tell the entire truth either. He's 9, he's going to learn soon enough. I want to preserve his innocence as long as I can. Here comes son #2. He is 4. He has begun the natural progression that I'm sure is encoded in his DNA. I woke Jaiden up yesterday morning to get ready for school daycare and he came in the living room and sat on the couch with me. Since he just got up he was only wearing a t-shirt and his undies. He was sitting Indian style and I see him push Mr. Winkie, then he did it again, and again, and again. I looked at him and asked, "Jaiden, what are you doing?" His response? "It keeps going up and down, up and down, up and down." How do you look at a 4-year old who looks at you with that innocent, sweet little face, and keep from laughing? Let me tell you, it's really hard. Since I have to do everything else, I carried Jaiden back to my bedroom yelling "Eugene, time for a father-son talk!". Eugene rolled over in bed grunting and I told Jaiden to tell Daddy what's wrong. Jaiden sat beside Eugene and said "Daddy, my pee-pee is going up and down, up and down." I heard Eugene groan and tell Jaiden to come over to where he was. I walked out of the room laughing quietly with a BIG smirk on my face. Good luck with that one Dad!!!

Why me?

Have you ever wondered why things seems to happen to you? I know this sounds familiar to a lot of people and I know that I say it all the time because it seems like I'm a magnet for bad and weird stuff. Today is not so much the weird...it's bad. My day has been absolutely crappy...literally...from the moment I got out of bed. I'm thinking that I should just crawl back into bed and wake up on the other side.

First things first, as soon as I got out of bed and felt a weird rumble in my tummy and heard this tell-tale gurgle that came from the depths of my stomach. Ugh oh! I ran to the bathroom and felt like Niagara Falls came to Missouri. I know, not a pretty picture. To make matters worse, I was burping what tasted like hard boiled eggs. I haven't ate eggs since the weekend!

Then I finally make it out of the bathroom (I won't tell you how long I was in there) and argued with the boys. Well, one boy actually. It took forever to get them out of the door this morning but after a lot of wailing and hollering on both sides, we finally succeeded. Why would a 9 year old want to argue with their monster-like wonderful mother? I can't fathom the idea because I know that I NEVER argued with my mother. :)

Okay, we get through that and I drop the boys off at daycare, go through a drive-thru to get something to drink on my 30-minute commute to work. Wouldn't you know it, I'm about 10-minutes from work and there's big flashing signs that say "Incident Ahead". Great. I get stuck in traffic a mile from the nearest exit and traffic is not moving at all so I sit there. And sit there. And sit there some more. Finally traffic begins to creep and it took me all of 30-minutes to move less than a mile. I was able to get off at the next exit and it took me 20 more minutes to go the back roads to get to work.

That's enough you say? I think so too. WRONG! I have two problem students that I have to deal with and I'm really dreading one. She hasn't called me back yet so maybe I'll get lucky today. With my luck, she'll call at 4:55.

So the next thing is that I heat up my lunch. It's a little Hormel meal thing you microwave from Wal-mart. Nothing glamorous but it's food. The plastic lid must be super glued to the bowl because I can't get it open then when I tug a little too hard, it opens but spills hot liquid on my pants. Great...

So I clean that up then I talk to my husband's HR representative. I have appealed a decision for a surgery that I desperately need. I have letters from 5 different specialists (and could have more) that say I need this surgery to extend the quality and quantity of my life. I sent in the appeal last Tuesday and just go a hold of her to make sure she got it. She tells me she did and will talk to her Executive Board on Friday but it may be the week after next before she gets back to me. Then she says "I know what you're going through. I have liver disease too so I know the pain it can cause and it's a serious condition and not to be played with...but I have to be honest with you, I am opposed to allowing exceptions because it opens the door for everyone else. I can say that we have not approved any other requests for exceptions...even by the owner of the company...and I don't intend to start now. I do know how serious this is and I wish you luck". Really?!?! How can anyone be so callous? I wanted to reach through the phone and snatch the witch woman right through it.

So, that's my day so far and it's not even 2pm. Do I dare ask how much worse it can get?

Only me???

Have you ever wondered why some things just happen to you? I often wonder that. Last night was no exception. It wasn't a bad night by any means, just funny.



First, I got home from work intending to change my clothes before I went shopping with my mother...who was on her way to get me. I walk into the back door of the house (that goes into the laundry room) and I see Eugene staring at me through the glass on the door into the kitchen. He has the dumbfounded look on his face and he's shaking his head back and forth and wagging his finger at me. I have no earthly idea what he's doing so I ask him "What are you doing?" He cracks the door just enough so I can get in and says "We have a mouse." I start going into freak out mode because rodents and I just don't get a long. Then I notice he has the stove pulled out and the doors blocked to the other rooms and he told me he's going to catch the little (cuss word I won't repeat). So I let him keep hunting and I walk into the dining room and start opening the mail. I open a letter and turn around to tell him what it says and see the critter run across the floor on the other side of the refrigerator. I started screaming and Eugene is getting irritated so I told him I saw it run by the refrigerator. He shoves a broom in my hand and told me to guard the door in case it runs my way. Great!!!! I'm in a tank top, dress shorts, and sandals. He better hope that it doesn't run across my feet because the neighbors will hear me scream and he will get hit with the broom!



He pulls out the refrigerator and gets down on all fours to see the mouse (I'm hoping it jumps out at him) and he finds it. So he has the bright idea he's going to vacuum the mouse into the Hyla (vacuum with water in it) so he gets the extensions and tries to vacuum the mouse. He doesn't get it and the mouse has disappeared. I'm not sure where it is now but we set some traps. I didn't get to change but I left him on his great mouse hunt.



My mom picked me up and my almost 15-year old brother came with us. Any time my mother and I get together, we say or do something stupid and end up laughing so hard we cry. Throw my brother in the mix and there's no chance for us. We went shopping and everything went great. I have to add that my mom bought me this awesome red purse that I absolutely love!



After shopping we went to Applebee's for dinner. We are sitting at the table talking and Aaron tells us about a comedian who is coming to Columbia. Being the smart alec that I am, I said "Guess who is coming to Boonville?". Mom guessed it and said "Chubby Checker". Aaron looks at us with this blank expression and asked us if it was a band. I told him that Chubby Checker was a man and Mom and I bust out in our rendition of "let's do the twist...." Aaron gives us another weird look and said...get ready for this..."Oh, I thought it was a weight loss program." The look on his face and the fact he thought Chubby Checker was a weight loss program threw Mom and I into a fit of hysterical giggles with crying soon to follow. It was classic and I know that everyone in the restaurant thought we were a little bit crazy.



As if that wasn't enough, we left the restaurant and was going home. Mom's driving, I'm in the passenger seat, and Aaron is sitting behind me. Aaron and Mom are arguing over the radio. Aaron wants the volume turned to 18 and Mom has it on 12. Aaron is sitting in the back seat saying "18" over and over again and Mom is telling him he doesn't need it that loud. We are coming to a stop light that's turned red and I see that Mom isn't stopping. I start saying "red light...red light....RED LIGHT!" and she realized that I meant the light was red half-way through the stop light. Guess what Mom? The light was red. Red means stop. We get on the highway and it's funny but we are lucky there wasn't a cop or any other cars around. Then Mom comes up with her excuse if she had gotten pulled over. She said she would have told the officer that "she had to pass gas really, really bad; her son was in the back seat yelling 18 over and over again; and her daughter was yelling 'red light, red light' and she just got confused". I told her that it was a good excuse but the cop would have told her she should have listened to her daughter! I know, I'm always right........

Mortifying

When I decided to have kids, I never really thought about the fact that they could cause me so much embarrassment in one sitting. Yesterday (August 2) we went school shopping for Tavion and got a few things for Jaiden as well. We were about 45 minutes from home and it was dinner time so we stopped at Golden Corral for dinner. Things were going good so far...or so I thought. I thought that everyone would eat and then we'd get back on the road. Boy was I wrong! To begin with, the waitress was a young blond and as a 9-year old (going on 20), Tavion is interested in girls. He told the waitress that she looked beautiful. Of course she blushed and said "thank you". As she turned to walk away, Jaiden yells out "Yeah, you're HOT!" Gee, thanks Jaiden for getting the attention of everyone in the restaurant. So we start eating and an elderly couple sits at the table behind us. Tavi and Eugene have their backs to the elderly couple and Tavi innocently starts telling Eugene that he needs to start using his ab machine because his stomach looks like "you know how when you get old and your stomach gets big and sags down", well, this brought a stare from the evil old lady. As a really nice mother (sarcastically speaking), I kick Tavion under the table and told him and Eugene that the woman behind them was elderly and heard him. This brought laughter from Eugene (real mature) and Tavi clapped his hand over his mouth, embarrassed (as he should have been). So dinner continued and Jaiden was done eating and chattering and making noises as any 4-year old does. A couple of times he got pretty loud and I admit, I was embarrassed by how he was acting. I was trying my best to quiet him down and get him to behave...it wasn't working. At one point I turn around and the old witch was again, turned around staring at my child. As the wonderful and well behaved mother that I am (what? I am.), I look at her and her husband and nicely asked "do you have a problem or can I help you with something?" Of course I have lost my voice so it didn't come out like I had intended it to but she got the picture and turned her wrinkly self back around. I was embarrassed that my children are acting up. I think they should be perfect. But then I realize that no child is perfect and they don't always act that way. I constantly remind myself of that when I see someone elses child acting up. I don't glare or get irritated, I give the parent a sympathetic, I know what you're going through, smile. Every day is a learning experience. Kids are kids and will behave as kids. If you don't want to hear it or see it, go to an adult restaurant, not a family friendly one.

Why

I am creating this blog because I have absolutely nothing else to do. I don't want to work, I don't want to write in a journal, I don't want to listen to my kids fighting and doing who-knows-what-else to each other. I just want to be me. I want to have my own thoughts and feelings and to be able to let them out. I want to be able to poke fun at myself and the often clumsy things I have done or the many times I have put my foot in my mouth. I need to share the hilariously funny antics that my children have done. What better way than to blog. I've never done anything remotely close to this so please don't think of this as some honorable (or even good) work of art...it's not. My grammar and spelling are probably off more often than not. Who knows what kind of adventures I am going to go on or what emotions may come to surface. If you are reading this, please understand that I am a real woman with a real family and a real life. This isn't a story or something made up for entertainment. This is my life. Right now, my brain feels like fried green tomatoes so I'm taking off for a bit. I'm going to sit at my desk (yes, I do work...occasionally) and fantasize about Edward Cullen and how I wish to become a vampire. ;)